Hello to all my readers who only read the very first sentence on Facebook. I know, the thought of reading any more is just deplorable. I get it.

And so to more important matters – karaoke. Not sure what your thoughts are on karaoke. Personally, I fucking hate it.  What an absurdly dreadful waste of time.  Hey – if you like a song, put it on the jukebox five times in a row, buy it for your iPod or smart telephone device to listen to ad nauseam on the train, just DON’T ruin it by deafeningly belting it out in a pub when drunk.  Jeez people.

There are exceptions of course – 1. If you are a homicidal Thai police captain with a sword, backlit by cool neon, or 2. if you are the artist responsible for originally recording and releasing the track in question, and you find yourself drunk and standing in a pub in Brentford and fancy having a vocal workout, then go right ahead.  We won’t hold it against you if you sound a little off-key Enrique, or if you forget the words to a particularly complex rap, Jay-Zed.  Knock yourselves out.

However, if you insist on singing in public, and regrettably there is nothing I can do to prevent it, I have done your research for you. Here, courtesy of the magic of the internet, is my review of the five best karaoke versions of that perennial karaoke classic ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton.

1. ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton – Karaoke Inferno
Well, this – perhaps predictably – sounds like it has been played on an old Casio keyboard in someone’s bedroom.  There is definitely a ‘home-made’ vibe to this recording, including the use of the composer’s mother, or perhaps older sister, on the backing ‘la la la la’ vocal. It’s pretty awful, and given that Matthew White recorded his song ‘Big Love’ in his bedroom, these days there is simply no excuse for a shoddy recording.

2 ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton – Ameritz Karoke
Well, this is definitely a better version than the Karaoke Inferno version. From the first few bars there is a classier vibe to it. The keyboards sound much better produced, and the vocal sounds like it might actually be a professional singer and not some sound engineer’s mother.  The only real complaint about this version is that the percussion is far too loud, which for this 60’s inspired song, is too obtrusive.

3. ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton – Karaoke All-Star
Same as the Karaoke Inferno version.

4. ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton – Karaoke Spotlight
If it is feasibly possible to have a low point of karaoke versions of popular songs, this one is probably it.  This is the nadir, rock-bottom point of karaoke. This is the karaoke equivalent of realising you have woken up from a drunken stupor to find that your house has burned down, your kids were taken away by social services two weeks ago and you now simply can’t get comfortable in bed if you head isn’t resting in a pool of your own Newcastle Brown Ale smelling, phlegmy vomit. This sounds like it was recorded solely using the beeps from an old Motorola Razr repeatedly dialling out rancid porn lines that charge £6.00 a second.

5. ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton – Karaoke Action Replay
Well, this one is pretty good, but so utterly average it’s very hard to find anything particularly good or bad about it. If you really, absolutely must sing Emma Bunton’s ‘Maybe’ then this would be a perfectly valid choice to go for. The keyboard is competent, the backing singer sounds committed to the ‘la la la la la’ but it does lack a certain something, that extra special ‘oomph’ that would make the track, and thusly you, really ‘sing’.  Very much the ‘Mission to Moscow’ of the bunch so far.

6. ‘Maybe’ by Emma Bunton – A-Type Players

A very strong start, with good keyboards, nicely played. The rhythm section is understated and underscores the melody nicely. Then the backing singer starts her ‘la la la’ and it all goes terribly wrong.  She comes in a little too early, and is way too loud for the track, completely overwhelming it.  This one really sounds like it was the singer that suggested the song because she was proud of her ‘la la la’ ability and her reasonably competent keyboardist (her husband probably) just went along with it before ‘The Gadget Show’ came on.

So, to conclude it’s a close run thing between Ameritz, Action Replay and the A-Type Players.  I like the A-Type Players, they sound like they are both committed and talented, but overall the vocal kills it as a karaoke version. The Action Replay effort is OK, but in the end it’s just too forgettable, which leaves Ameritz Karaoke as the winner.  Well done guys.

Next time, I might review some more completely useless ephemera.

I spend a lot of my life with headphones on, listening to Spotify, surrounded by other people with headphones on listening to Spotify. It's like the opposite of a  callcentre, we spend our days actively avoiding answering the phone.  

Anyhoo - I tried Rdio instead of Spotify but it seemed to assume I was some kind of hipster, and whatever I fed into it as my preferred musical choices it just kept playing Chvrches and the Horrors and Fat White Family and George Ezra and all that crowd, who I kinda like in small doses, but they make me feel like a Dad trying to act too young in front of his offspring’s friends, and not in a good way. Is there is a good way for a grown man to try and act young in front of his offspring’s friends?  Probably not.

So Spotify it is, so I can have much more control over my own terrible taste in music.  One thing I have definitely noticed is that Country and Western songs have the best titles.

Spurred on by the Best Song Title Ever®, which I banged on about a while back, the amazing Jerry Reed effort ‘She Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft’ I have been listening to quite a bit of Country music solely to find the next best song title.

There are some classics in there for sure, ‘If My Drinking Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will’, ‘Don’t Come Home Drinkin’ With Loving On Your Mind’, ‘She’s Acting Single, So I’m Drinkin’ Doubles’, ‘Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissin’ You Goodbye’, ‘If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll go and Find Someone Who Will’, etc.

The more astute among you may have noticed a theme there. Love, loss and excessive alcohol consumption. I cannot think of any other reason to write and perform a song in front a crowd of complete strangers.

If I wrote a Country and Western song, which I just might if you’re not careful, I would definitely write it from the point of a view of a middle class white guy from Kent who has never been to Wyoming or lassoed a steer in his life.

It would be about the acute emotional distress incurred from catching the 261 bus to work where there’s a beautiful woman who ignores him, but that’s OK, ‘cos he’s happily married, even though there is DIY to be done that he doesn’t want to do, so he eats too much junk food and drinks whisky instead, despite his Doctors warning about his high cholesterol.

This might sound impossible to put to music, but I gotta tell you, those guys can spin a tune out of the longest sentences you ever heard, its remarkable.

I finished the first draft of my novel.  Very exciting. It’s about 72,000 words, which I think is quite long enough. Its like when you go to gigs that end up going on beyond 10.30pm – its rude, people have to get home you know, pop star people. If you had bothered come on when the ticket says you were supposed to, then it wouldn’t be 11.45 and the last tube has gone, and now about five hundred people are trying to cram onto a nightbus that only vaguely goes to where they want to end up.

Its OK for you isn’t it, staying backstage with champagne and hookers, you don’t have to get up tomorrow. Or perhaps you have an interview with Ian Grimshaw on Radio 1 at 8.00 in which case you do. Thanks heavens for the private car your record company lays on to whisk you back to your penthouse suite, filled with more cocaine than a human person could ever consume in a lifetime.

I went to see Elton John once at an outdoorsy type of gig once, and I swear to god 15 seconds after he had walked off stage he took off in a helicopter. I bet he was home before I made it out of the car park.   At least the gig ended at 10.25. Classy.