Welcome to Portland Academy in Bromley, an exclusive educational establishment dedicated to the mental health and fitness of 8-9 years old boys. The syllabus at the Academy has been crafted and stress-tested to challenge and strengthen your child’s physical and mental resolve and acuity.
A typical day at the Academy starts at 8.00 am with the Head Teacher firing a multiple-choice quiz of breakfast options for the pupil for which there is no correct or satisfactory answer.
Please note that in order to retain our reputation the Academy has to enforce a dress code that requires all students to wear at least pyjama bottoms in the dining, class or the common rooms, as long as they have not been worn for more than three consecutive days and nights.
At 8.30 sharp the Head Teacher will engage in a fruitless struggle to log into one of the many online and distance-learning websites the school has to offer, searching through emails and bookmarks and resetting about a dozen passwords while pupils take a short break and engage in assertive mind-control games with faculty.
9.30 am and the students will engage in Minecraft Independent Study while the Head Teacher and other staff ensure that the main school building is fit to pass the most basic and cursory health and safety inspection.
At 10.30 am all students will move onto their Advanced YouTube 101 projects, where extra credit is on offer for retaining interest in a video for longer than twenty-two seconds.
NB. Online learning requires a strong WiFi signal that is not slowed down due to excessive consumption of streaming television services from other areas of the campus.
The school day winds up at 11.15 for all students and faculty to complete individual projects and autonomous study.
In exchange for this first-class schooling experience, the Academy offers a reasonable per-term fee that includes bed, board and sustenance, with additional contributions towards extra-curricular activities such as basketball, cycling, jigsaws, Lego, Airfix models, home-economics, drawing and painting equipment, gymnastics, crafts, gardening, after-school clubs and computing, all of which are enjoyed by pupils in prolonged bursts of at least a minute and a half each.
Pupils will graduate from Portland Academy fully prepared for a Bromley Borough Secondary School education and subsequent career in advertising.
A typical day at the Academy starts at 8.00 am with the Head Teacher firing a multiple-choice quiz of breakfast options for the pupil for which there is no correct or satisfactory answer.
Please note that in order to retain our reputation the Academy has to enforce a dress code that requires all students to wear at least pyjama bottoms in the dining, class or the common rooms, as long as they have not been worn for more than three consecutive days and nights.
At 8.30 sharp the Head Teacher will engage in a fruitless struggle to log into one of the many online and distance-learning websites the school has to offer, searching through emails and bookmarks and resetting about a dozen passwords while pupils take a short break and engage in assertive mind-control games with faculty.
9.30 am and the students will engage in Minecraft Independent Study while the Head Teacher and other staff ensure that the main school building is fit to pass the most basic and cursory health and safety inspection.
At 10.30 am all students will move onto their Advanced YouTube 101 projects, where extra credit is on offer for retaining interest in a video for longer than twenty-two seconds.
NB. Online learning requires a strong WiFi signal that is not slowed down due to excessive consumption of streaming television services from other areas of the campus.
The school day winds up at 11.15 for all students and faculty to complete individual projects and autonomous study.
In exchange for this first-class schooling experience, the Academy offers a reasonable per-term fee that includes bed, board and sustenance, with additional contributions towards extra-curricular activities such as basketball, cycling, jigsaws, Lego, Airfix models, home-economics, drawing and painting equipment, gymnastics, crafts, gardening, after-school clubs and computing, all of which are enjoyed by pupils in prolonged bursts of at least a minute and a half each.
Pupils will graduate from Portland Academy fully prepared for a Bromley Borough Secondary School education and subsequent career in advertising.
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